Original
Today is Tuesday. I still feel deeply sad, because my English seems cann’t be improve in short time. My sentence like writing by a 8 years old American kid, I don’t want write like a child and I try to change mind.
It’s a very cold morning, I get up to late. However, I’m sleepy at the beginning of whole day, I even cann’t take off my school uniform, though I cleaned my bed last Friday, it’s will and must be alone foverwer. While I open my eyes, all the things I see like covering a bright as well as light frabic. I remember the snow of my real hometown, it’s dance in the sunshine, they never need worried about anything, but the only cost of them is lives, gone and never back’s time.
Sometime, I consider I may be lost, I lost in my own world. I’m tired and nervous, there are always mistakes and challanges in maths. I even cann’t spelling the right structure of whole name of Maths, I give up easily, nobody cheers for me, I only have myself. I know I want to beat my father, he never believe or encourage me, he hope I have hing level Engnish because he pay more for my school fee. My mother also give me pressure, I just want to travel by myself, I avoid them and believe I can out of their control one day. I must not to keep touch with them after I be a real adult, whatever my father or mother will die, I won’t feel anything, the result is produce because of their choice, they think they are the emperone of our home. As they often say:”All the things you use is spend our money, if I can choose again I must choose other option. The fool will not realise their stupid mind, they just like a deaf, trust me you cann’t change anyone, except yourself.
I’m a poor and no smart man, at first I look forward to asking somebody help me, but they all leave me, I love the black and silent night, it’s just for me, my tried and my love all in the hole of life. I think I will marry in old ages, I wanted to have a girl friend in early age before, but now I change my mind, I kown I don’t really prepare to love others, I even hate myself. I wish to earn more money, my family couldn’t give me any helpful help, they are waste of this earth, I hate them.
The wind still blow every night, I look a far point by the windows, like my simple languange, I want to leave.Any place is OK, but no home, for me it’s just like a hell.
Modified Version
Today is Tuesday. I still feel deeply sad because my English doesn’t seem to improve quickly. My sentences sound like they were written by an 8-year-old American kid. I don’t want to write like a child, and I’m trying to change my mindset.
It’s a very cold morning, and I got up too late. However, I’m sleepy at the start of the day. I couldn’t even take off my school uniform, though I cleaned my bed last Friday. It feels like it will be alone forever. When I open my eyes, everything I see seems covered in a bright, light fabric. I remember the snow of my real hometown—it dances in the sunshine. Snowflakes never need to worry about anything, but their only cost is their lives, gone forever in time.
Sometimes, I think I might be lost, lost in my own world. I’m tired and nervous. There are always mistakes and challenges in math. I can’t even spell the full name of “mathematics” correctly. I give up easily; nobody cheers for me. I only have myself. I know I want to prove myself better than my father. He never believes in or encourages me. He hopes I’ll have high-level English because he pays more for my school fees. My mother also puts pressure on me. I just want to travel by myself, avoid them, and believe I can escape their control one day. I won’t stay in touch with them after I become a real adult. Whether my father or mother dies, I won’t feel anything. This outcome is the result of their choices. They think they are the emperors of our home. As they often say: “Everything you use costs us money. If I could choose again, I’d pick a different option.” Fools won’t realize their foolish minds; they’re like the deaf. Trust me, you can’t change anyone except yourself.
I’m a poor and not-so-smart person. At first, I looked forward to asking somebody to help me, but they all abandoned me. I love the black and silent night—it’s just for me. My tiredness and my love are buried in the hole of life. I think I’ll marry in old age. I wanted to have a girlfriend when I was younger, but now I’ve changed my mind. I know I’m not really ready to love others; I even hate myself. I wish to earn more money. My family can’t offer me any meaningful help—they are a waste on this earth. I hate them.
The wind still blows every night. I look at a faraway point through the window. Like my simple language, I want to leave. Any place is fine, but not home—for me, it’s just like hell.
Issues Identified:
- Grammar and Syntax Errors:
- Original phrases like “cann’t” (should be “can’t”), “seems cann’t be improve” (should be “doesn’t seem to improve”), and “I get up to late” (should be “I got up too late”) show frequent grammatical mistakes. Sentence structure was often awkward or incomplete.
- Verb tense inconsistencies, e.g., “it’s will and must be alone foverwer” (corrected to “It feels like it will be alone forever”).
- Spelling Mistakes:
- Words like “cann’t” (can’t), “foverwer” (forever), “frabic” (fabric), “languange” (language), “kown” (know), “hing level Engnish” (high-level English), and “emperone” (emperors) were misspelled. “Maths” is acceptable in British English, but you struggled with “mathematics.”
- Clarity and Coherence:
- Some sentences were confusing, e.g., “all the things I see like covering a bright as well as light frabic” (revised to “everything I see seems covered in a bright, light fabric”). Your ideas sometimes jumped abruptly, making it hard to follow.
- Repetition and Redundancy:
- You repeated feelings of sadness, isolation, and hatred toward your family multiple times without adding new depth, which weakened the emotional impact.
- Punctuation and Capitalization:
- Missing apostrophes (e.g., “cann’t” instead of “can’t”), inconsistent capitalization (e.g., “Maths” vs. “math”), and run-on sentences were common.
Evaluation of Literary Talent:
You show raw potential for literary expression, even with the language barriers. Here’s why:
- Strengths:
- Emotional Depth: Your writing conveys strong feelings of sadness, isolation, and frustration. Lines like “the snow of my real hometown, it dances in the sunshine” and “my tiredness and my love are buried in the hole of life” suggest a poetic instinct. These images, though rough, hint at an ability to connect emotions with vivid metaphors.
- Imagination: You create a personal world—comparing snowflakes to fleeting lives and your home to “hell”—which shows a creative mind at work.
- Honesty: Your raw, unfiltered voice feels authentic, a key trait in impactful writing.
- Areas to Improve:
- Language Skills: Your English needs significant work to fully express your ideas. The grammatical errors and awkward phrasing currently overshadow your creativity.
- Structure: Your thoughts are scattered, jumping between topics (school, family, dreams) without clear transitions. Literary talent shines brighter with organization.
- Overuse of Negativity: While your pain is real, leaning too heavily on despair without moments of contrast (hope, humor, or resilience) risks tiring the reader.
