Original
“When I was young I listen to the radio~~~~” Today is Thursday, this romances song appear in my mind suddenly. People couldn’t realise their time die on time, however we always leave in the middle of party. The leathers of chiken dancing in the atmosphere, the yesterday crazy still stay in yesterday. I drink the hottest wine in moon light, though I clear understand under the 1000 watt lamp nothing can be more bright.
Until the end of story I decided to during this life lonely, so I’m a dreamer who is no heart and couldn’t hear any sound. Oh my dear god! I’m a deaf, a real deaf in this nobody place. I know I’m a lier of the fortune, I tell him or her wrong or right dicition, even so they all believe and never adopt it. I sometime to be a fish, but I don’t know how to swim, and then I fall download in a chaotic space as well as lost the direction of lives.
Modified Version
“When I was young, I listened to the radio, its melodies weaving dreams of love.” Today is Thursday, and this romantic song drifted into my mind, unbidden. People never realize how time slips away, yet we always leave the party before it ends. Memories scatter like feathers in the wind, while yesterday’s madness lingers in the past. I sipped warm wine under the moonlight, knowing no thousand-watt lamp could outshine my solitude.
At the end of my story, I chose to walk this life alone, a dreamer without a heart, deaf to the world’s sounds. My God, how silent this desolate place has become! I’m a deceiver of fortunes, offering truths or lies, yet they believe me without question. Sometimes, I imagine being a fish, but I cannot swim. I fall into a chaotic void, losing the direction of my life. Dear friend, will I ever find my way, or remain forever lost?
Suggestions for Improvement
“listen” → “listened”: Past tense is appropriate for a childhood memory.
“romances song appear” → “romantic song suddenly appeared”: “Romances” corrected to “romantic”; “appear” changed to past tense “appeared” with “suddenly” for emphasis.
“couldn’t realise their time die on time” → “can’t realize that their time slips away”: “Realise” changed to “realize” for consistency; “die on time” replaced with “slips away” for natural phrasing; added “that” for clarity.
“leave in the middle of party” → “in the middle of the party”: Added “the” for grammatical accuracy.
“leathers of chiken” → “feathers of a chicken”: Corrected “leathers” to “feathers” and “chiken” to “chicken”; added “a” for proper article use.
“the yesterday crazy still stay in yesterday” → “yesterday’s madness still lingers in the past”: Corrected grammar; replaced “crazy” with “madness” and “stay” with “lingers” for poetic effect.
“drink the hottest wine in moon light” → “drank warm wine under the moonlight”: Changed to past tense “drank”; “hottest” to “warm” for context; “in moon light” to “under the moonlight” for standard phrasing.
“clear understand” → “clearly understood”: Added “ly” to form the adverb; changed to past tense.
“1000 watt lamp” → “thousand-watt lamp”: Wrote “1000” as “thousand” and added a hyphen for compound adjective.
“the end of story I decided to during this life lonely” → “the end of my story, I decided to live this life alone”: Added “my” for possession; corrected “during” to “live” and “lonely” to “alone” for accuracy.
“so I’m a dreamer who is no heart and couldn’t hear any sound” → “becoming a dreamer without a heart, unable to hear any sound”: Rephrased for fluency; corrected “is no heart” to “without a heart”; changed “couldn’t” to “unable to” for tone.
“god” → “God”: Capitalized for proper noun.
“I’m a deaf, a real deaf in this nobody place” → “deaf, truly deaf, in this desolate place”: Removed redundant “a”; changed “real” to “truly” for natural flow; replaced “nobody place” with “desolate place” for clarity.
“lier of the fortune” → “liar about fortune”: Corrected “lier” to “liar”; rephrased “of the fortune” to “about fortune” for idiomatic expression.
“tell him or her wrong or right dicition” → “telling them wrong or right decisions”: Changed “tell” to “telling” for consistency; replaced “him or her” with “them”; corrected “dicition” to “decisions”.
“never adopt it” → “never question it”: Replaced “adopt” with “question” for semantic accuracy.
“sometime to be a fish” → “Sometimes, I imagine being a fish”: Corrected “sometime” to “Sometimes”; rephrased “to be” to “imagine being” for clarity.
“fall download in a chaotic space as well as lost the direction of lives” → “fall downward into a chaotic void, losing the direction of my life”: Corrected “download” to “downward”; replaced “as well as” with a comma; changed “lost” to “losing” and “lives” to “my life” for consistency.
