Original
The comfortable breeze kiss my face in deeply night. Thursday night, I rode my bike along the Desheng river’s renown and found the memory I loss in dying time. It’s so fast, I even couldn’t believe the change in environment. Nothing was withholding, I just wanted to record the history of world, the love, the freedom. With the enoumes lightning appeared in sky, it wasn’t any drop of rain. That was my blood as well as yours. I sat in a dark corner in this earth, and then god gave me black eyes, but I used it to find the tiny bright of this second.
Modified Version
The comfortable breeze kissed my face in the deep night. On Thursday night, I rode my bike along the renowned Desheng River and found the memories I had lost in fleeting time. It happened so fast that I couldn’t even believe the changes in the environment. Nothing was holding me back; I just wanted to record the history of the world—the love, the freedom. With enormous lightning appearing in the sky, there wasn’t a single drop of rain. That was my blood, as well as yours. I sat in a dark corner of this earth, and then God gave me black eyes, but I used them to find the tiny brightness of that moment.
Suggestions for Improvement
Strengthen Tense Usage:
This diary describes past events, so it should primarily use the past tense. For example:
“kiss” → kissed (past tense).
“I loss” → I had lost (past perfect tense, indicating an earlier memory).
Practice: Write 3-5 sentences in the past tense every day, describing yesterday’s experiences.Use Articles Correctly:
“in deeply night” → in the deep night (“the” indicates something specific).
“Desheng river’s renown” → the renowned Desheng River (“renowned” is an adjective, and river names usually take “the”).
Suggestion: Learn the rules for articles (“a,” “an,” “the”) and do related exercises.Improve Vocabulary Accuracy:
Check spelling (“enoumes” → enormous).
Choose more natural expressions (“dying time” → fleeting time, “withholding” → holding me back).
Method: Learn 5 new words daily, write sentences with them, and check their usage in a dictionary.Enhance Sentence Flow:
Original sentence: “It’s so fast, I even couldn’t believe the change in environment.”
Revised: It happened so fast that I couldn’t even believe the changes in the environment.
Suggestion: Practice using linking words like “that,” “and,” “because” to make sentences more coherent.Maintain Writing Habits:
Keep writing diaries, but try simplifying sentences, focusing on accuracy first before adding complexity.
For example: Instead of writing “With the enoumes lightning appeared in sky, it wasn’t any drop of rain,” start with “There was lightning in the sky, but no rain.”
